Contra-Versa

This little list has been bouncing around in my otherwise empty head these last few days. I should say right from the outset that it is not meant as a whinge or a shopping list of regret. It was actually a bit of a laugh for a couple of them.

Just a few facts. That's all.

I am a woman until I speak on the phone. Then it's 'sir' 100% of the time.
Both my parents are alive but they have made me an orphan.
I'm an only child with two siblings.
I 've fathered three kids but I'm female.
I can be legally fired in 30 US states for being gay and/or transgendered. I do not work in any of the 30.
I can marry a man in Virginia but in Texas (of all places) I can only marry another woman. The Lone Clue State allows marriage between genetic males and genetic females. As my genes were not changed...........
I am Irish. Unless I'm being American that week.
I am physically burned out. Mentally I'm in better shape.
I am a blogger but increasingly have less and less to say.
I'm stone broke but in my friends I have a Golconda.
I am not alone but I am lonely.

Earlier this week I held my friend's new born baby in my arms and was completely present for them in their joy. There were no ifs, ands nor buts about my total happiness and sincere love for them all. I was no longer a partial presence, a bulky shade of myself, in my friend's contentment.

I have no rational basis for this but I am going to make it. Maybe not the way I had hoped or planned or even imagined for that matter. It might get messy and confusing and seven kinds of fucked up but that's OK. It's just stuff. No matter how bad it gets it cannot be as bad as what went before.

I'm a woman with a fucked-up past but a future of some type awaiting her. Just like everyone else.

The trick is getting past this stern present.