Advance To Contact

The platoon scouts had indicated the officer’s presence long before I reached him. With an inner sigh I hoped was conveyed along with the sign language I told them to move on and ignore him. Captain Squirrel thought he was the top boy at infantry tactics and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Fucking officers. A few minutes of careful progress up the road and we were level with his position. I cheered up with the thought that one of the recruits might actually be startled enough to wallop him with a rifle butt or batter him with an e-tool.
Now don’t get me wrong. As officers go Squirrel wasn’t the worst of them. That honour would have to go to the Short Little Fat Lieutenant who was in nominal charge of my platoon. But Squirrel was plagued by being keen. This sometimes manifested itself in ‘surprise’ infiltrations on tactical exercises like the one we were on. This would have been OK had he been any good at it but the poor man made more noise in the forest than a skeleton in biscuit tin having a wank.

So when Captain Squirrel leaped out of a bush into our midst it was to a platoon primed to feign astonishment.

‘Aha..Sergeant! This is the six o’ clock position!…You’re all dead by the way’

“Er..does that mean we can go home then... sir?”

“ Ha…jolly good.Afraid not…carry on there.”

It goes without saying that Captain Fuckwit’s practical military skills (such as map reading) were not up to the demands placed upon them by his military ambitions. After all that’s what sergeants are for.We waited for a few minutes for Squirrel to get back into position to confuse the next platoon and then resumed our advance to the real six o’ clock position.* ( A three section infantry platoon would be deployed in a triangle with one section to each arm.All sections enter the triangle through a single access point.The 6 o’clock position.)

Eventually we get set up for the night and I order rations to be prepared before dusk. Stove fires are way too conspicuous after dark.Before long we are dug in and fed and I survey my realm from the middle of the triangle. My radio man is with me and we are still blessedly officer free. Short Little Fat Lt. had swanned off into the woods the minute we got out of the trucks and left us to our own devices. No bad thing in my opinion but it couldn't last. The inspection team solidified out of the gathering gloom and was gunned down(with blanks) by one of the pickets. He was a bit fast on the trigger and gave them a good hosing before they had a chance to give the password.

The inspection team consisted of a few regular officers and our own Battery and Quartermaster Sergeants. The Ruperts were quick to note S.L.F.Lt's abscondidness.

' And where is your officer? '

I could barely contain my glee at this chance to poison the well for Shorty. I adopted the Stolid yet Unimaginative mode that the denser officers expected of the Other Ranks.

' Dunno sir. Last seen heading to the high ground with the Red Group.' (the smaller team that was to act as 'aggressors' throughout the exercise)

At this the officers huffed and puffed a bit and made a show of inspecting the position. Once they dreamed up imaginary faults to correct they soon fucked off and left us to get on with it. Our senior NCO duo stayed with us.
With a broad grin the Q shakes his head and offers his take on the matter.

' You're some cunt do you know that?'

'Fuck him Mick. I'm not his fuckin' babysitter although I can see how you'd make that mistake.'

'Oh yeah. Yer so fuckin' maternal there.'

Now as we were engaged in this delightful little banter I came to realise I was automatically touching up my camouflage make-up. Much to every one's amusement it was perfect.

'Ha,ha,ha,haaaaaa...D'ya know you have very feminine features there?

A platoon of strangled guffaws and stifled sniggers bled out into the new night. Of course to leave it at that would have been slagging suicide. I needed a reply.Preferably non fatal but I was festooned with things that went bang,boom and rat-a-tat. I settled on fast pitching a smoke grenade at his head. The fuckers just fell about laughing.

I was feigning Offended Macho on the outside but on the inside I was laughing too.

For a very different reason.